Roll with the Punches
Monica and I were cleaning up around the house today and we found some notebooks that had been used but never really filled out completely. One of the notebooks, I was using as a journal of sorts. I have an even older notebook that I’ve been keeping around that I’ve intended to type up or post on a blog. I haven’t gotten around to that, but I have decided to share with you one of the journal entries from the notebook that I found today. I have posted it here unedited, so that you may enjoy its poor writtenness. Enjoy.
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Sept 8, 2008
Yesterday, Monica and I went to Starbucks in Parry Sound. We stopped at the bank along the way, and Monica went to Rexall. While at Starbucks, Monica informed me that she had just taken a pregnancy test that she bought at Rexall. The test results were positive. Positive as in Monica is pregnant.
I wasn’t sure how to react and I think Monica was disappointed by how I did react. To be honest, I am still not entirely sure how to react. Yes, I’m excited. What a blessing! But nervous and scared too. What a huge responsibility!
We decided to go for a walk that ended up being a drive to Barrie where we found ourselves looking at baby books in Chapters.
I am excited. I really want to tell my mom. How ecstatic will she be?! I know that its not a good idea to tell people so soon. Its so delicate this early. Things could change.
I think that’s my biggest fear or maybe not fear but reservation. Its so delicate. The test is only 99% accurate. The results were not terribly convincing. The line that indicates you’re pregnant was very light. Could it be a fluke? Monica took two tests yesterday. Both said yes. What are the chances that they’re both wrong? What are the chances that the baby won’t make it? I’m not saying I don’t want the baby – Things are actually really good right now. If there was a time that was good for us to have a baby, it’d be now – But I don’t want to be teased. I don’t want to get psyched and mentally ready, only to be let down. I don’t want to be disappointed.
I feel like I’m not ready. I’m not a good enough husband as it is, what kind of father will I be? I guess that’s just something that I need to work on. I have nine months, right? Shit that’s scary! In nine months I’m going to have a baby. In nine months I am going to be a father. Wow! Actually, its less than nine months. Closer to eight because they count nine months from the last day of Monica’s last period. That would be August 4th-ish and therefore puts the baby due around the middle of May.
Well, I guess here goes nothing.
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Its hard to believe that that post was written over two years ago. Jameson is now 19 months. Its incredible how quickly time goes by.
I’m not sure that I was ready to have a kid. I’m not sure if there even is a “ready”. I could have read and read all those books and stressed out about whether or not I was ready, but in the end I’d have to roll with the punches.
And I still am.
